Ginger Unplugged

Turbulence in an elevator. WHAT CAUSES TURBULENCE IN AN ELEVATOR? I was forced to ask myself this question somewhere in between floors 2 and 1 of the city library. The answer being particularly urgent since I acquired a bit of GEA (General Elevator Anxiety) after someone pushed the "UP" button while I was doing graffiti in an elevator shaft. They all have little trapdoors on the top, you know. It was a teenage thing. Anyway, in the 15 seconds it took for the elevator doors to open in the correct place on the correct floor, Princess and I came up with some theories. Extremely localized weather systems. Someone should do research on this. Gremlins. Princess has recently seen that particular Twilight Zone episode. I'm so glad there wasn't a little window for us to look through. Tribbles. Same actor, different show. Similar potential to gnaw/destroy elevator machinery resulting in my death. Okay, to tell you the truth, I only came up with three options in 15 se...

Crash: "Oh dang!" Me: "What?" Crash: "I forgot to chew." A conversation ensues about how you are supposed to chew each bite of food 50 times. No one believed me. I told them I'd read it somewhere. (Okay, that's probably not true, I read something about how many times you should chew but I can't remember the figure.) Crash: "50 TIMES!? No way. I gag if I try and chew 50 times. You gotta check out this video on youtube. There's this X-ray of this guy eating an apple and he seriously chews twice and swallows. That bite was totally vaporized." First of all, Crash doesn't watch youtube as far as I know. And I have a pretty good handle on the computer stuff going on. Second, I guess I'm not the only one that totally makes up bogus chewing statistics in this family. Nice legacy I'm leaving. But at least maybe he'll remember to chew every bite at least twice. Usually.

I have always felt my lips were fat enough, so I didn't really NEED the "lip plumping" lipstick at Aveda but I liked the color, which they were out of in the non-plumping variety. I never noticed any plumping action until I took the lipstick on a trip to Seattle and used it non-stop. I'd completely forgotten about the plumping thing until I randomly noticed that my lips DID look fatter in the hotel mirror. Weird. And then I kept biting them accidentally. And biting my cheeks. And then biting my lips and cheeks some more, over and over and over. I don't know if this happens to everyone or just people untalented with fatter lips than the good Lord gave them. But if it does, let me tell you, fat lips are NOT worth it.

The other question I get besides, "Did the electrician kill you?" is "How is the Flying Monkey?" Here's an update. Milestones: Gnawing on things more viciously than ever--chairs, himself, sisters, me. We've all learned to just sort of give him the food and back away because he rarely distinguishes bananas from fingers. New Trick: Head butting. When I watch people head butt, like the turtles Crush and Offspring in Nemo, I think they must work themselves up to it or something. Maybe light forehead tapping for a month or two before going at it like rams. But apparently Flying Monkey is a prodigy head butter. He didn't get this talent from me. He leans in for the sweetest hug and then WHAM. Head butt. I end up with a splitting headache and he wears a grin like he's expressed the ultimate in human affection, despite the red mark or goose egg on his forehead. I think the good lord saw what Flying Monkey was capable of and gave him a triple strength skull. ...

I have been studying my baby over the past few days trying to understand why he does certain things. Here are some of my conclusions. My baby's thoughts: If I ram it with my head, it might just open. Anything on the floor would be better in my mouth. Tissues are evil. Scream when you see them. If tissues are on the floor, it is better if they are in my mouth and then I scream at them. I must get that cat in my mouth, but he is too fast. So I scream at him, too. Sisters are coming. They are worse than tissues. I have only one tooth. This doesn't matter so long as I use it well. Gnawing sisters with my tooth makes THEM scream. Cool. Was that a cricket? Showing everyone my tooth makes them get closer. Then I can gnaw them more easily. I will let you know as I decode more of his ideas. Till then, watch your cat. They all have to sleep sometime.