Ginger Unplugged

I should probably be thinking about what to give my mom tomorrow but what she wants isn't currently available. So instead, I'm thinking of what my mom's given me. Happy Mom's Day, Mom and thanks for: The '69 Camaro. Ah, good times. The desire and ability to drive dangerously, although Dad contributed some to that. My bleeding liberal heart. The completely insane sense of direction. Ah, good times. An open mind. Pointless psychic abilities--you know what I'm talkin'. Don't you think it would be more useful to KNOW you're seeing the future before the future catches up to you? Slight flaw in the whole ESP thing. My love of reading--although that Bell Jar book is blah. The belief I can do anything I set my mind to--which is why I still always think I know exactly where I'm going when there is a whole mountain of statistics that say I don't have a clue. Independence. Courage. A healthy disrespect for doctors, pious martyr types and anyone else who...

Watch out, Mom. Watch out! We're experiencing sudden bursts of speed! Really? Are you feeling sudden bursts of speed? Well, no, but our blue dot is stopping and then zooming ahead! I'll be careful. Oh, and if you look over to the left, you'll see a railroad track. WAIT! Is there a pond down there? We're coming to a curve. There! Are we curving? Uh, yes we are. You CAN look out the window and see the curve if you like. Or maybe feel it with your sense of balance? No way, this is cool. Can you go faster? Our dot slowed down. There are lots of cars all around us. Look. Oh. Weird. This thing isn't showing any other cars. Maybe you can go through them. Try it!! Oh and over that mountain is another railroad track. Can we go see it? Um, not today. Be careful! Careful! You're getting close to this gray grid where there isn't anything. Would you just look out the window for a minute? There's no grid! Okay, now turn that way ( he is being m...

Crash got the coveted "WOW" award at school yesterday. Each class in the school picks one kid for the month to receive it and they get a certificate, a special pencil, and their picture taped up until the next WOW awards come out. It doesn't sound like much but they get them in a school assembly which apparently gives a big bang for its buck. Just to give you an idea, my girls have come home with WOW awards that say "For always being on task and a good example to everyone," and "Broke the school record for passing off the 12th grade reading level." Crash's says, "Has made a complete turn around in his behavior, social, and organizational skills. He is a brilliant thinker, amazing scientist, entertaining writer, and fun person to be around." What do I say in all my 9th month of pregnancy crankiness--I MEAN--sassiness? "So basically it says you really used to have crappy skills but now you're doing better?" Luckily, the kids ...

Monkey : Drew all over a card and then had someone draw a car on it, too. He's very proud of "his" car drawing. Butterfly : "Shoot for the moon even it you'll eand among the stars!" (That's what it really says). Plus, "The voilin's to you! The drums are to you!" (Trying to give away her siblings' instruments). She signed her siblings' names to the card, too. And wrote "I heart U. Happy Birthday. You are pretty." I am really enjoying the violin and drums. She also drew me a beautiful card with the both of us on it. AND also made another card that opens "like my laptop" where she's drawn my keyboard and screen in case the lappy and I are ever separated. Crash : Hi Mom! Happy birthday! You can try out all these FREE for only 5.00 (ha-ha) here are your airplanes. He stapled four miniature paper airplanes to the card with the following notes: This is your average F-14 Behold the 5-9 Korian Katana 8 B1-97 P.S. You...

Me (to a friend): I don't like cantaloupe--I'm not really a melon person. Crash (interrupting): WHAT!? A cantaloupe isn't a melon (laughing hysterically). Me: Uh…what is it then? Crash (speaking like I am the dumbest mother on earth): An animal!? Hello… Me (trying to keep friend and Princess from laughing): Really. What does a cantaloupe look like? Crash: It’s like a cross between a camel and a kangaroo. He is dead serious. Me: Um, do you mean an antelope? Crash: Pfff, NO! Me: A jackalope? Crash: A CANTaloupe. A CANTaloupe! Me: Okay, so uh, does it have a hump like a camel? Crash: No. Me: Does it have a tail like a kangaroo? Does it jump? Crash: No. Me: So what parts are like a camel? Crash: The face and the legs. Me: What parts are like a kangaroo? Crash: The sleek lean body. I am laughing hysterically at this point. Me: Where does it live? Crash: Either a barren wasteland or the jungle. Me ( Looking up "cantaloupe" on Wikipedia …source of all knowledge): Crash, ...

Butterfly says: The biggest shadow on earth is "night."

Crash ended his prayer this morning with "...and please bless that Monkey won't be evil today." Husband put forth the theory afterward that "there are limits to miracles the Lord can perform." _____________ Later that day it was determined that Monkey had been much more agreeable and happy than usual. Just FYI. Thanks, Lord.

...at least in cooperation with Husband. He has several rules: No last names--like Taylor or Hunter or Harrison. No place names--like Dakota or Berkeley or India. No natural names--like Sage or Misty or Ginger. No names that rhyme with anything or remotely sound like anything else. So with this baby, here's the extent of our cooperating. Me: "How about Ellery?" Husband: "Rhymes with Celery." Me: "Embry?" Husband: "Embryo." Me: "I like Emery." Husband: "It's a nail file." Me: "What about Chloe?" Husband after a long pause wherein I KNOW he's trying to rhyme it with things starting with all 26 letters of the alphabet: "I kinda like Chloe." So there you are. Most of our kids' names are decided in the hospital. Is it my fault someone called Jared "Jarhead" when he was little? Whoever it was has ruined the naming of all my children forever. Thanks a lot!

If you take three left turns, you are going right. I remember all the dreams I've had. I stick them in this special box. In my head. Wouldn't it be funny if the world was so small when you looked forward you could only see the back of your head?

Today, after I volunteered in one my kids' classes, I decided to say a quick hello to my other two children at the school. This was in part because I love them and in part because they are having fantasies that they are terribly abused and are telling the home teachers about this in my presence in order to embarrass me (I think). I am trying to make them feel guilty about this stunt by all my niceness. Because really, if you're not a child abuser and you say you're not--who's going to believe you? I could KILL them!! (Hah, just kidding!!!!) Anyway, by the time I got to the last kid it was getting late--I almost didn't go but finally raced over and peeked in the window of his classroom. They were in the middle of math. At least twenty pairs of eyes were glued to the teacher, but Crash's eyes were glued everywhere else. He was front and center, squirming on his desk, around his desk, nearly under his desk and perhaps had just crawled out of his desk. I wondered i...

A post-it note stuck to a Scholastic Book order and placed carefully on my bed: Dear Mom, Since I know it might be 1:00 am by the time you finish watching LOST, I wanted to tell you why I wanted Inkheart (and yes I know I already have a copy). Reason #1: It is a book, not a remote control light switch [Ginger's note: a remote controlled light switch is also mentioned in the catalog, which she knew I wouldn't buy for her.] #2: Have you seen my old copy? It's torn to shreds. #3: The cover is way cool. #4: I was thinking about buying it at Borders but it would cost me $20.00. This copy only costs $5. I hope you see my reasoning. Sincerely, Princess P.S. If you don't buy it, my old copy will fall apart then you'll need to get a new one for $20.00.

Yeah, so just this morning I was blissfully admiring my amazingly bright children while organizing their cupboards, wiping off their counters, cooking their dinner, falling in the Wal-mart parking lot buying presents for their friends (Wal-mart and I have a hate-hate relationship--unfortunately we're stuck together). But it was all worth it! Because they (my children) were Turning Out . They were blooming. They were nearly BRAG WORTHY. And I really hate bragging. I even wrote that last braggy blog in all my "their blooming" bliss. And I didn't even mention how Butterfly has won the best behavior award in her class for two months running. How she got the coveted WOW award at school and is still floating around on cloud 9 about it. How she's better at being social than Oprah Winfrey (once she got over that meowing thing). Nor did I mention an email I got from Crash's teacher yesterday (you know, the "Can we please stick a shocking dog collar on him s...

There was a time when I knew everything that Princess knew and I knew where she'd learned it--generally from me. Or Elmo. Suddenly, here she is playing violin and I'll say, "Wow, that was great." "Oh yeah? I wrote it," she often replies. I wasn't even sure I believed her until I found her musical writings--scraps of paper with music staffs written on them covered with notes. "What's this?" I asked. "Oh, we can't figure out a good intro to Silent Night in Orchestra so I'm writing one." And then there was the whole orchestra and the teacher announcing that Princess had written the intro. And it was a very impressive one, too. She definitely didn't get that from me or Elmo. Then she came home the other night. "I'm in the Geography Bee," she said. This is even scarier than the music because if there is a disability for Geography, I have it. Especially on the local level. As in, "Where is my ...

Not my pregnant pain, not my hang-nail-chapped-lip pain or even the weird girl pain I get when not following the strictest diet known to man... but Amazon.com PERFECTLY understands my "Child's Astrophysics" pain. Last night a friend of mine asked if I'd ever considered writing a child's guide to astrophysics. This is because I pester him constantly about things like black holes, infrared light and the special theory of relativity on behalf of Crash (my nine year old). I think my friend is trying to get me to do my own research. Anyway, I figured maybe there were already twenty or so such guides and wondered why I hadn't thought of that. I searched Amazon's books for "Child's Astrophysics" and came up with nothing relevant for my boy's search for meaning. But still, they understand my pain. Here are some of the titles that popped up: Helping Your Unique Child Thrive in a Cookie-Cutter World An Adult's Guide to What's ...

Crash: "Oh WOW! My crystallized jellybeans RE-FORMED!" And by  Crystallized Jellybeans he means jellybeans he chewed up and spat out and left in a backseat cup-holder to rot. Butterfly: "Uh...that's a...Cheeto."

When Princess was a preschooler she tried long and hard to get us to dress up the cat for Halloween. "Don't you think he feels left out?" she asked. "But cats don't wear costumes," I replied. "He could go as part of YOUR costume," (I was a witch--of course). "But he can't carry a treat bucket." "I'll carry it FOR him." "Well, cats don't even eat candy." It was obvious we'd reached the whole point of the discussion. "I'LL eat it FOR him," she offered, eyes aglow with anticipation.

I have always felt my lips were fat enough, so I didn't really NEED the "lip plumping" lipstick at Aveda but I liked the color, which they were out of in the non-plumping variety. I never noticed any plumping action until I took the lipstick on a trip to Seattle and used it non-stop. I'd completely forgotten about the plumping thing until I randomly noticed that my lips DID look fatter in the hotel mirror. Weird. And then I kept biting them accidentally. And biting my cheeks. And then biting my lips and cheeks some more, over and over and over. I don't know if this happens to everyone or just people untalented with fatter lips than the good Lord gave them. But if it does, let me tell you, fat lips are NOT worth it.

I am having hormones. For those of you who may not know, this is because I'm pregnant. At least, I assume that's why I'm having hormones. Oddly enough I haven't cried about being pregnant even though this is what, the millionth child? And I'm planning on getting a closet ready for her arrival in May because, unfortunately, I only have 250,000 bedrooms and all those kids are already sharing with someone. So anyway-- Things that did bring a tear to my eye recently: 1. The song "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". You know, the one where the Devil had a fiddling match over Johnny's soul and Johnny wins? So, so touching. 2. Crash being sooooo excited about his Darth Maul makeup. Ah. I'm so proud. (As a side note, we told him Siths are extremely obedient--it's working like a charm. I have to say I love to hear, "Yes, my Master," when I ask him to do things). 3. Obama's little slideshow before his nomination acceptance speech. I ...

Butterfly got to pick the movie for tonight and I expected a big sibling fight since I knew she'd choose either Cinderella or The Little Mermaid . She chose Iron Man !? We watched a heavily-edited-for-children version last week and apparently, she's been playing it at recess with a friend. "I'm Tony and my friend is Pepper. Plus we have dogs that fly, too." She then launched into her version of the "Iron Man" song by Black Sabbath complete with the catchy guitar solo in the intro. "Pepper" taught her the words. I was beginning to wonder what exactly had become of the girly girl I know and love when Husband produced a new Sleeping Beauty DVD and Butterfly promptly decided we should watch it instead. I was thrilled. It's worth a fight to preserve the illusion that we still have a princess in the house.

Do you ever have a half hour where you end up doing more than the entire week before it? Here are the highlights from 5:28 to 5:58. 1. En route to Barnes & Noble to buy Princess a book she HAD TO HAVE, there was a smacking fast accident right in front of my van. I didn't know what else to do so I just completed my right turn and let the other 80 people in the intersection deal with it. After reflecting on how apathetic I am, I 2. Came upon a Highway Patrolman a block up, pulled beside him with all my info and convinced him to red light and siren over to the wreck. Feeling good about myself in all ways I then 3. Walked into B & N only to find two fantastic authors having a book signing right in front of me. "Hey! Are you Brandon?" I asked Brandon Sanderson. "I am!" he naturally said. I told him that I wrote with Eric Stone and he oohed and aaahed as every writer loves Eric Stone (or at least knows him) and then I looked at the other author and said, ...